#5 - Alan Funt

Who:  Alan Funt, the man credited with the creation of Reality TV.

Why:  Because what the fuck would we be doing with our lives if we weren't keeping up with the Kardashians?

WARNING:  This post is going to be especially sarcastic and ranty.

I have not done much research on Alan Funt, except for the fact that he is credited with the creation of Reality TV, masterminding 1948's Candid Camera. While this one was not bad -- it made light of harmless pranks on unsuspecting "victims" and their reactions -- it spawned an affinity for reality television programs that gave birth to gems such as, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", "Real Housewives", and "Operation Repo". Now, there are some educational and entertaining programs out there, and I don't want to take anything away from them. But there is some real shit out there, too.

Many of today's Reality TV shows are responsible for numbing millions of drooling, blubbering, empty-headed Americans into a sleepy stupor for three HOURS a night or more. Here is a review of the five best, and when I say best, I mean the ones that make you want to shoot yourself in the eye hole the most, in descending order, in my humble opinion.

#5 - Reality Towing (in general):

I say in general, but I'd really like to start with Operation Repo by posing a lingering question in my mind. What, in the name of Nacho Libre's nutsack, is going on with Sonia's face?

I really do feel a tinge of guilt as I write about this. Generally, I am always looking for the good in people, and I hate that it has come to this. But WHAT THE FUCK? Why are repo shows so popular? First of all, it depicts people that are a lot of time at their rope's end financially, and they're losing all their shit. Why is that entertaining? Operation Repo, Lizard Lick, and now Jennifer Lopez, being the immense talent that she is (e.g. Gigli, Jenny from the Block, all the other shit she does), decided to start one of her own. It's called South Beach Tow, and it features such rich and dynamic characters as Bernice, "Bernice awf in dis bitch," and Mr. Fuck-You-and-Yo-Mama-Bring-it-Bitch Eddie. What is most disturbing to me, as with most of the worst Reality TV, is that America is eating this shit up like it is Manna from Heaven.

 

#4 - Keeping Up with the Kar-fuckhead-dashians

 

Although it's been said, many times, many ways... WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE FAMOUS? Really? Dat ass? Dat ass is apparently worn the hell out from the sports teams that it is accommodating of late. Also, Bruce Jenner has done a lot of actual good in the world, and he is arguably one of the best American athletes of all time. Why the hell has he married into this family of assholes, and what the fuck happened to HIS face? You understand that the people he is associating himself with are defective, and there is absolutely no reason that they should have a reality show, and here I am glorifying them. I must stop.

 

#3 - Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit

 

This is a reality show where all of the women connive and backstab each other and have raging knock-down-drag-out fights in public. It's like if you took Stepford in sequins and lots of plastic surgery, and then got them all strung out on bath salts where they're clawing each others' faces off and slurring incoherent obscenities at Ruth's Chris. Trash. Almost all of them are fucking worthless, and yet here I am, discussing them as if they had done anything of merit at all, ever.

 

#2 - My Super Sweet 16

 

I am not going to say much about this show except that I would have been arrested for child abuse if I mothered one of these ungrateful little dragons. I'm not allowed to speak the way I want to about them because they are minors, but I would have been arrested so hard.

 

#1 - Here Comes Honey Boo Boo... for fuck's sake, kill me now.

 

There are a lot of reality shows that feature people from the South doing all manner of things such as hunting, fishing, cooking, etc. I don't have a lot to say about those shows, except that it takes all kinds. What I haven't seen in those shows, though, is gross exploitation of their children. Please do not watch this garbage. It is my opinion that this show reduces the net worth of the world.

"Listen, I understand the allure. Honey Boo Boo is a name that’s funny. It rolls off the tongue. Alana, age 6, apparently will say anything. Like, “A dollar make me wanna holler.” She’s all about money. And pageants. And winning. Oh, and drinking her “go-go juice” before each pageant, which is a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew. It winds up the pudgy little girl, and she goes onstage to dance and prance and make faces that the judges truly seem to love."

(http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/bastard-machine/here-comes-honey-boo-boo-alana-mama-364933)

 

Listen, even though this little girl is obnoxious and probably entertaining to watch (I don't get it, but hey, my tastes are different), she is going to need many years of therapy to undo what this amount of exploitation has done to her childhood. And I'm sorry #1 wasn't funnier, but I can't exploit this little girl any more than she already has been, in good conscience.

 

 

So... I don't want to end this on a horrible note, and I'm trying to make the world a better place, so... Titty sprinkles and bitch burgers.

 

How:  I've done some sick shit in my life, but fucking a dead man isn't and will never be one of them. Perverts.