#3 - Paula Freaking Deen

Photo borrowed from Paula's Facebook page.

Who:  Paula Deen

Why:  First of all, Paula is a real materialization of the American Dream. She also never dreamt her Southern as apple pie self would end up becoming an American icon, and her humility is very endearing to me. Paula has an awesome story. Plus, she guest starred in South Park which is one of my favorite shows, so yeah. She's on my secks list just like Randy Marsh.

Look at her smile. LOOK AT IT. Shining, bright, white. Eyes as blue as the freaking sky. She is beautiful and kind, and sweet as cotton candy, y'all. "Paula has become an American phenomenon, overcoming poverty, doubt and agoraphobia to achieve success and acclaim she could never have imagined. Yet the most remarkable part of Paula Deen’s journey from her kitchen to fame and fortune is that Paula has remained every bit as genuine, real and full of love as the first meals to leave her kitchen." (From Paula's bio on her website, www.pauladeen.com.) Read on. This shit really happened.

1. She's real. She's struggled just like everyone else. Her parents both died before she was 23. My dad passed away over three years ago, and I am still reeling. I just can't imagine how it would feel to lose them both. Paula was also blessed with panic attacks and agoraphobia throughout her 20's... "Your blessings are raining down on me. Wait! That's not rain!" That quote was from Bruce Almighty, so don't get mad at me for being irreverent.
2. Paula decided that there was something she could do with all of her frustration AND still not have to leave the house because of her crippling social panic. She cooked.
3. After being married for 24 years to her high school sweetheart, they divorced, and she was left with $200 to her name and the burden of raising two young boys and her younger brother.
4. Instead of playing the victim like so many others have chosen to do, Paula overcame her anxiety problems to try a number of career paths until she started a catering service, making meals that her boys delivered.

It wasn't long until her business outgrew her kitchen, and the rest, as they say, is in Rome. Or whatever. After becoming a star, Paula found love again and married Michael Groover at the Bethesda Home for Boys in Savannah, GA. The Bethesda Home for Boys. That's her charity of choice. Orphaned children. The woman is a dadnabbit saint.

This past year she came out about her several-year battle with Type 2 diabetes. She has received a lot of criticism because her recipes include pinches of butter here and there and various fats in minimal quantities. *snicker* This is really the meat and potatoes of what I wanted to talk about. Paula grew up eating these foods because it's part of her culture as a Southerner. She's not trying to kill you with obesity, and she doesn't walk around with a stick of butter in her pocket. That would stain her clothes. She shared these recipes in the knowledge that most people with some fucking sense can gauge whether or not they're eating too many calories. That is your responsibility as the consumer of meals. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your life and your arteries. The fact that she shares recipes for the nectar of the gods with you is a COURTESY, and you should be kissing her swollen feet for slaving over the stove and raining upon you flaky, golden nuggets of buttermilk manna. People are all mad at her for not setting a good example and whatnot. Profiting from her notoriety by selling foodstuffs that are high in calories and general goodness. It's not her responsibility to know your cholesterol count, you ignorant bitch. It's YOUR cholesterol.

In honor of Paula, I am declaring this day, November 16th, Paula Freaking Deen Day. On this day I will post an awesome picture of Paula on my blog every year. Since she graced the screen of my favorite satirical cartoon, her cartoony portrait is going up this time. You're welcome.

 

How:  I would totally let her bathe me in a tub of melted butter and feed me pie.