#4 - Lewis Black

Who:  Lewis Black

Why:  Son of a bitch, where do I start?

Aside from his striking good looks and the reknowned bedroom prowess of Jewish men (what, you haven't heard?), Lewis is the trifecta of things I look for in people that I want to lick.

1. Sense of humor (and I don't mean potty jokes or otherwise juvenile methodologies of chuckle induction)
2. Charitable works or acts that leave the world a better place than you found it
3. Intellect - He's smart as fuck.

"Lewis was born in Washington D.C. and raised in Silver Spring, MD. Colicky as a baby, it seems he was destined to be angry and easily irritated. His mother, a teacher, and his father, a mechanical engineer, instilled in both Lewis and his younger brother Ron the importance of education and the necessity to question authority; lessons which have influenced Lewis throughout his private and professional life." (http://lewisblack.com/bios/)

Lewis's father took him to the theater for his first play when he was 12 years old, and so began his love affair with drama. Boy, I bet he looks delicious in a pair of tights. See Left.

He is actually a brilliant playwright and boasts degrees from the University of North Carolina and Yale Drama School. He went to Yale, he co-owned a theater with some friends, and looky there, my nipples are hard.

It was at UNC that he ventured into standup, and it continued to be a staple in his portfolio while he pursued his career in theater as a straight man. I know, it's so cute. After moving to New York City, he developed his skills as a stand-up comedian, which is why I know who he is. And believe me when I tell you in all seriousness that he is one of the greatest comedians of all time.

I have urinated on myself more than once while listening to him, and there is nothing wrong with my bladder. He is an award-winning performer with credits such as four Comedy Central Presents specials, two HBO specials, and a long-running segment on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Back in Black. I could list his many awards and appearances here, but I'd rather post some quotes of shit he's said about the sheer absurdity of the fucked up reality we live in. Hold on to your pee-pees, these are hilarious.

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.”

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

“Just relax and breathe through your ass.”

“A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!”

“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”

“Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.”

(On golf and the golfer's internal dialogue) - "I told you when you woke up this morning that you are a piece of shit... Here we are enjoying the day in the woods. Look, there's some poison sumac. Why don't you grab a couple of leaves and wipe it on your nuts; we haven't had it there... Why don't you reach into the bag and get another one of those five dollar beauties. Take that ball and shove it up your ass. Then, try to shoot it out your pee pee hole. If we'd spent the last 15 years doing that, at least we'd have a skill today."

If you haven't heard his standup, I suggest you get on the stick, Batman. Each piece is an hour long satirical review of middle America and the hilariously fucked up world we live in.

Okay, enough about the comedian. Let's talk about Lewis, the philanthropist. "In addition to his professional pursuits, Lewis is dedicated to a number of charitable organizations. As a long time mentor with the 52nd Street Project, Lewis was roasted in “Charred Black 2007” which drew the largest fundraising numbers in the Project’s history. He’s a member of their Advisory Board, is Co-Chair of their Capital Campaign and in 2000, the Ron Black Memorial Scholarship Fund was created in memory of his late brother. Lewis is also committed to raising funds for the Rusty Magee Clinic for Families and Health. He’s a strong supporter of both the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and Autism Speaks and was recently honored by The Brady Center for his commitment to ending gun violence. At the Williamstown Theatre Festival, he established the William Foeller Fellowship, having taught and performed at the festival for more than a decade."

The third corner of my unholy trifecta - Intellect. Well, it's obvious in the quotes that I gave you that he's quite the thinker. He will dry hump your brain into ecstacy with his comedy, as well as his books which include, "Nothing Sacred," and "I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas." His dry, bitter, irreverent delivery of well thought out ideas will send you over the edge into utter incontinence.

How:  High as shit, to the tune of "Lay, Lady, Lay" on a record player